Harry Kodder and the Childs Secret
by Regicide22
Summary: The first of the Harry Kodder series! Find out what happens when an idiot is mistaken for the best wizard! Read and review!


Harry Kodder and The Child's Secret  
By: J. L. Popkin  
  
Ch. 1: The Ol' Switcharoo  
  
It was a fine, sunny day in New York. Birds were singing, squirrels were dancing, and the rats… Well, they weren't too bad that fine afternoon. This day was a special day. Two young and foolish couples were giving birth, despite their parent's cries of "Get out of high school first!" Oh yeah, they were all, ninjas. Wait, no, aliens. Nuh-uh, how bout, Wizards!  
  
Note to self: Better story lines.  
  
Anyway, the two WIZARD couples gave birth, both boys. One would grow up to be a great wizard! The other a sick and twisted lounge singer. They named the lounge singer Harry and the one with a future, Varkamort.  
  
Note to self: Pick up "Book of Child Names"  
  
Okay, so, the two babies are switched at birth. Don't ask me how, I'm not writing one of those dictionary-like J.K. Rowling books. Well, Harry goes to the wizard supasta's and Varkamort goes to the wizard outcasts.  
One dangerous night, when Harry was eight, Stan, the famous wizard lord whose been secretly taking down the wizard community from the inside, finds Harry's "supposedly" parents after they tried to stop his evil plans. The large man enters the hose at the same time "Friends" was on. BIG mistake. The parents pick up their wands and start performing all kinds of spells.   
  
*Insert descriptive stuff and sound effects here*  
  
When the smoke cleared, Harry's dad was a duck, and his mom was a koala. When Harry was found with the wand and the two animals, he was condemned to an insane asylum until the spell was cured.  
  
  
Ch. 2: OUT OF THE PADDED WALLS  
  
10 years he was stuck in that sterilized trap. Harry kept his sanity by talking to no one and staring out the window all day. It was a boring life for those 10 years, but he got through it.  
He looked out into the rainy day. Harry was surprised it wasn't bright and warm. That's the way he thought it was going to be like the day he got out. His suitcase lay next to him, although he really didn't have anything to pack. He had just stole some towels and bars of soap.   
A large figure approached the building. 'That's not my dad… At least not how I remember him' Harry thought to himself. The man wore a huge trench coat, which covered his face. Or at least Harry thought it was the trench coat. It looked like a beard. Harry shook himself back to reality. It wasn't Dad. Or was it? Had he turned to that from 10 years of duck form? If that was the case, what did Harry's mom look like? Harry shuddered at the thought.   
The door to the lobby swung open and it was the man from outside. Harry now saw that it was a beard covering his face. The man looked at him and spoke in a Canadian accent. "Are you Harry?" he said slowly. Harry didn't know what to do. Who was this guy? "Um, yea. I'm Harry." The man smiled. "Good, just get in my car and I'll drive you home, ey." A look of shock and confusion was expressed on Harry's face. "Who are you?" Harry asked, now hoping he'd finally get an answer. "I'm Higrad and I've been sent here to send you away to Wizard school!" Harry just stared at the man. A school for people like him? He thought it would be more of an asylum like this. All of a sudden the nurse came in and took the huge man by his arm. "Come on Mr. Sand, I'll show you your room." The man was carried away saying. "But I'm Higrad! Not Sand! I'm a wizard! A WIZARD!" Harry finally realized it was another nut dragged into the house.   
An hour later, Harry had fallen asleep. A tap on his shoulder waked him. He looked up to see a man in dark glasses. "Dad?" Harry asked. He was still a bit groggy and his glasses had fallen off. He picked them up and put them back on. It was a woman with long blonde hair and brown eyes. The glasses weren't dark, they were clear. He looked at the woman. "The nurse is over there, by the wall." The woman smiled, then walked away. Harry cursed to himself, he thought it might have been someone to pick him, but it was just another shmuck off from the streets.   
Two hours later Harry found himself still inside the asylum. Was he going crazy? Was he just THINKING he would be picked up? Another tap on the shoulder caused Harry to turn around. "Are you anyway related to me?" he asked. The man laughed "We're all related brotha, G-d makes us all the same." Harry's eye began to twitch. He grabbed the man in a black coat by his collar. He shook him twice before yelling "Look here you moronic fool! You do NOT want to mess with me! DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU?!" The man stared at Harry shocked. Harry let him back down. "Nurse, over there." The man stood there. "You're not Harry Kodder by any chance, are you?" Harry stared at the man in disbelief. "Yes, I'm Harry Kodder, who are you?" The man smiled... nervously. "I'm Regicide McZee" 'What in the-'Harry thought. "I'm here to take you back to Ed's House O' Magic." "Is that where my parents are?" "Um, no, not exactly. Ya see Harry something got screwed up when we were trying to change them back." "Their dead?!" Harry cried. "No, no! See, now your dads a cow and your moms a kangaroo. "Harry looked suspicious. "You're not here to take me back and put me in her pouch are you? Cause aren't the patches filled with, like mucus?" The man looked at Harry with an eyebrow raised. "I assure you son, that we are not going to put you in your mothers pouch. As I said I'm taking you to Ed's House O' Magic." Harry looked relived. "Oh good…Wait, what's Ed's House O' Magic?" It's a school for wizards Harry." Harry stared at the man. "You don't know a guy named Higrad, do you?" The man laughed. "I know him. The poor man committed himself here due to an addiction to ecstacy. Did you know ecstacy might cause physical harm such as-"  
  
*Note to self: Finished Ecstacy Report  
  
Ch. 3: A Dysfunctional Kind of Family  
  
Varkamort cursed to himself. Another day had gone by and he hadn't suffered a nice and long death. He hated his parents. He hated his life. He hated this little world he calls "home". Sometimes he would act like he was switched at birth. As he got ready to go to bed, a loud screech interrupted him. Mother had gotten home from her job at the insane asylum. The door swung open and Varkamort's mother walked in…drunk. Of course she was drunk. She was like that every night. She would come home, pass out on the floor, wake up two hours later and start screaming at anyone within a few feet of her. And since they lived in a trailer and Varkamort's bed was the kitchen counter, it was usually him that got the verbal beating. Tonight it was no different. He was awoken at 1:00 AM by his mother's loud rants. "Vark! Vark, where are you?" What was she, blind? Maybe she was too low at the moment to see him. "I'm right her mother. What is it?" "Vark! I'm putting you in the asylumsh!" She laughed at her own joke. She always would say that, as if it was she and Vark's "thing". "No, really Vark. Lemme be sherioush right now." She took a deep breath. "You gotta clean yer roomsh." Varkamort rolled his eyes. "I don't have one, mother." Too late, she was passed out again.  
  
-7:00 AM-  
  
Vark was pushed off the counter and onto the floor. He hit his head first, then his side, then leg. He stood up. A frying pan knocked him down again. His father's gruff voice boomed about. "Make yer breakfast you lazy punk!" Why not? After all, it WAS his last day there. Yep, after research on the Internet (NetZero, cause his family couldn't afford anything else) he looked up his records. He WAS switched at birth! He was going to find the punk who he was switched with and switch back. It would be a new life for him. As he cooked his breakfast (his parents were teaching him "responsibility" instead of wizardry) he thought of the plan. After years of working on his broken down car, he had got it to work. He would start off a new life by only taking what he needed. Money, clothes, and food. Everything else was perfect. He had found the little rat that belonged in this horrible life, and he was going to be tracking him down. The toast was ready. He caught the two burnt pieces on a paper plate. He tossed it onto the table. The coffee was done now. He poured himself some and sat down. He eat his toast, drank his coffee, and ran to his room. He got dressed quickly and packed his things, including his life savings (just enough to get him to hi new life). He ran outside the trailer, saying goodbye to no one. He threw everything in the backseat and got started up the car. He pulled out, drove out of the trailer park, and his new life began.  
  
Ch. 4: A Quick Start Off  
  
Harry looked in wonder at the building. Of course, it was like any other building, but it was a TALL building. Look, the kids been in that small little asylum for a while. Anyway, Mr. McZee lead Harry in, carrying the suitcase full of towels and soap bars. Harry now looked around with more wonder and amazement. People just like him were around every corner. Well, a lot of people were like him. Young and white, so, it wasn't anything special really. But… The, the, the…Walls! Pretty nice wallpaper if you ask me.   
  
*Note to self: Never write anything again.  
  
On the other side of the building Varkamort was trying to get around the security guards. He had tried everything! Bribes, sneaking in, bribes, hypnotizing the guards, and even bribes! Now he was at his last resort. ACME products. He pulled out a large sling and put it together. He pulled the sling back, then jumped off the ground. When the sling reached it's farthest, he let go. He crashed into the wall and fell to the ground. Who didn't see that coming? Next up, Varkamort pull out a catapult.  
  
*Note to reader: Yes we CAN see where this is going.   
After about 67 attempts with 67 different kinds of tools, Varkamort decides to just run in really, really fast. Surprise, it doesn't work. Varkamort finally walks away. His attempt at his new life has already failed. On his way back to his car he saw a cellar entrance, unblocked and unguarded. He smiled as a new plan formed in his mind. Yes, this would be fine. Just fine.  
  
Ch. 5: This Happened, That Happened, Blah, Blah, Blah.  
  
Harry had been progressing greatly through his classes. He even met a friend! Okay, yah, so it wasn't of the same species, and no, it didn't speak english, but it was a friend! At least Harry passed it off as a friend. No one really minded, considering he was a wizard "supasta". Everybody just admired his spells and wizardry, even if he wasn't that good. The teachers passed Harry because of his "supasta" status. Okay, you want the truth? Harry is horrible at wizardry. He burned down the science lab… TWICE! Plus he had turned several of the students to cows, chickens, and whatnot. Yet, the teachers passed him, just because of who he was, but they would soon learn who the REAL supasta was.  
Varkamort searched through the books teaching himself wizardry. He was doing fine. In fact he turned a rat into a larger rat and then change that rat to a pigeon, and the great thing was he actually MEANT to do it. Vark shut the book and walked around the cellar. He grabbed a rat by the tail and it instantly turned to a Milky Way(c). He ate it as he walked over to a blue map. It was soon ready, maybe he could try it tonight even. The plan: 1.Shut off all electricity 2. Call in a bomb threat 3. In the evacuation process, Varkamort will pull Harry behind and bring him into the Great Room 4. Make the switch 5. Enjoy new life as Varkamort Kodder. "I still haven't figured it out though." Varkamort said to himself. "How will I get people to believe I'M the supasta? How can I get this Harry to vanish?" Varkamort smiled. "Hm, I know." Vark picked up another rat. He set the small creature on a small table with a dim light over it. Vark took his wand and pointed it at the rat. He held on to the wand with both hands. "Mushiguna Shmuckush!" Vark got the wind knocked out of him as he was thrown back. He slammed into the wall and slid to the floor. Vark's head was spinning. What happened? Vark shook himself out of his daze. He stood up and looked at the table. It was completely black and smoking. Vark smiled at the small pile of ashes on the table. Two eyes were on top of the pile with a panicked look in them. Vark looked around again. "Now where'd my wand go?". In front of him was a glowing red stick. Vark picked up his wand, then quickly threw it up in the air. "Hot1 Hot! Hot!" Vark caught it, then threw it into the air once more. He continued this until the wand cooled down. He put in his pocket and looked up at the map again. "Hm, now how do I make them believe it's me?" Vark reached into his pocket and pulled out something. A birth certificate! "I knew this would come in use!" Vark smiled and walked away, preparing for tonight's events.  
  
Ch. 6: Fin  
  
Professor Crimpledcorn stood on the Great Room's stand. He smiled, even though the electricity went off, chaos had broke out ever since that call, and the Forest of Stuff was on fire! Of course that was the third time this month, ever since that stupid Fire Dragon moved in. Well, whatever happened in this school, Crimpledcorn kept his cool. He spoke into the microphone. "Hello ladies and gremlins!" He waited for some laughter, but all he got was some crickets chirping. He continued "Okay, look, I'm sure you all now what's happening. With the bomb threat, the fire, and the electricity." A young boy called out. "Um…We didn't know about a bomb threat!" 'Uh-oh' Crimpledcorn thought. "Um, did I say bomb? I meant…Oh shoot." He continued "Well besides all this, the school MUST be evacuated at the moment. So if you'll all get in a nice and straight li-" Chaos broke out. The kids began running around, some heading for the exit, some heading for the windows, and some just running around screaming. Crimpledcorn sighed and raised his wand. "Regicideuis Maximus!" Everybody in the room disappeared. All except one Harry Kodder. He stood in the middle of the Great Room confused and scared. He looked around, trying to see if anyone else was left behind. "H-hello?" Harry squeaked. "Hola Harry!" a cheery voice echoed. Harry was now more scared. "W-who's there?" Harry squeaked out again. "Oh Kodder, calm down. I'm here to make a little…switch. You know, just to set things straight." The voice echoed again. "Switch?! WHO ARE YOU?!" Vark appeared before Harry in a dark black robe. He smiled, with his wand pointed at Harry. "My name is Varkamort, but you can call me Vark. You see Harry, you're not a real Kodder." Harry looked shocked. "That's impossible!" Harry yelled. "I'm a Kodder! Hey, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Spencer Kodder?" Harry asked. "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Varkamort yelled with his hand raised.  
  
Note to reader: Yah, sorry. But there was bound to be a "Welcome Back Kodder" joke in here somewhere.  
  
Vark smiled evilly. "Now Harry, I am about to send you to your life. Don't worry, getting up at four in the morning isn't so bad. Now just relax and-" Varkamort was pushed over. Harry starting beating at him with his fists. Vark raised his wand and yelled "Ooga Booga!" Harry was flung upward. He hit the ceiling, stopped, and then hit the ceiling two more times. He then fell to the floor. Vark got up and raised his wand once more. "Do'h Amorfius!" A long serpent flew from Varkamort's wand. Harry withdrew his wand and raised it. TWO snaked flew from his wand. Harry cheered himself as he watched the three snakes fight each other. In the end, Varkamort's snake ate both of Harry's snakes. "Let my people go!" yelled Vark. "What?" Harry asked. Varkamort looked at a pile of papers marked "Ten Commandments". "Heh, wrong script." The papers disappeared. "Okay Harry, now you'll feel true pain!" Vark said. "Oh yeah? Well take this!" Harry's wand exploded in a shower of red sparks. Varkamort laughed at Harry's mistake. "Fool! You call yourself a wizard? Watch!" Vark started swinging around his wand as if he were a conductor to a large orchestra. "Beethoven's 5th Symphony" booms around the Great Room. As it ends, clapping and cheering is heard from out of nowhere. The clapping is cut off when Harry's wand hits Vark's head. Harry laughs while Vark looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "Please Harry, don't muse me." Harry continues foolishly laughing. "*Sigh* It looks like I'll spare your life Kodder. Instead I'll destroy you." Harry stops laughing. "But how is that SPAREING my life?" Harry said. "Oh, you haven't met you parents." Vark raised his wand for a final time. Harry raised his wand for a final time. "A duel Harry? Please, you'll only make a fool of yourself with the last seconds of your life." Vark said. "Oh yeah? Well your mom's a cow!" Harry said. "Only because you made her one!" "No I didn't! I made her a kangaroo!" "Whatever you did Harry you'll soon regret it!" A red beam rises out of Vark's wand. A blue beam rises out of Harry's wand. The two begin dueling at whatnot.  
  
*Note to reader: All my ideas were created by ME! I DID NOT take them from a movie or anything.  
  
Anyway, Harry and Vark continue their remake of a scene seen one too many times in "Star Wars". Vark hits Harry upside the head, and Harry retaliates by poking Vark in the stomach. The two continue hitting each other, until Vark's beam turns gold. "FREAKYKIM LINKSAMEM!" Vark yells. The golden beam explodes into tiny spheres. They throw themselves at Harry. They soon turn red, then green, and then black. They fade away. Harry again laughs at Varkamort. "You can't perform a spell right! HAH!" Vark smiles evilly. "You haven't seen the whole trick Harry." Right after Vark says this, the ground beneath Harry becomes a black hole. Harry disappears in one quick flame. Vark smiles to himself. The switch was complete. Varkamort's new life would begin, and he'd live happily ever after.  
  
…Of course Harry returns, but that's in the next book. So just wait until I finish another garbage like story and waste your money on it! Yay! I get rich!  
  
THe EnD   
  
Regicide productions  



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